I AM BABY!

Its tough being little. There is a lot to do! The world is brand new, so you've got to check out everything you can. When mom or dad is trying to calm you down by holding you close, you've gotta cry to make them turn you face out and get up and walk around. Them sitting is absolutely out of the question!

Plus, sleep is for the weak. You've got to fight it as hard as you can, no matter how many caffeinated beverages mommy has had, or how bloodshot her eyes are. And if you do feel the need for a little rest, make sure to keep it to around 90 minutes at a time You might miss something, and besides, mom and dad didn't really want to watch that movie together.

For your cries, make sure they are at a pitch and volume that causes dad's ears to actually pop with each one. After all, grownups get Tylenol. That's why its there. The best times to cry are when daddy gets home after work, when mommy is trying to sleep, or any time after dark, preferably around 4am.

Still, all this is hard work, so take a load off, but insist only on the softest surfaces in the house, like the couch or bed. Your own bed just won't do, so turn on the siren and waterworks the instant your head touches it. Silly parents, that will teach them.